|
I miss her. I miss her laugh, her smiles. The way she sees things with so much amazement. A simple flower or tree wows every inch of her soul. She’s the most happiest in the simplest of things. She sees something good in every thing and situations she’s in. I miss her. I miss how wide she can dream. She dreams as if she has all the time and resources in the world. It amazes me how big she can dream and all the will she can come up to reach every single one of it. I miss how brave she can be. Facing every challenges in her life with all the trust and faith from the man up above. Every wins or defeats, she offers it up to the Lord for she knows in her heart nothing is lost as long as she puts all her trust in Him. I miss that spark. The spark that makes my whole being jump up with joy with the simplest of things and how it gives me courage and comfort in every tiring times. In every heartbreak, failures and disappointments. I wish i learned to not change. I really miss that your version of myself who’s more brave, more joyful and more understanding in situations may it be negative or positive. If i would be given a chance to bring back time, i will turn that clock in that version of myself. More proud. More happy and more contented with life. Masama ba yun. Kung mapagod ka. Mapagod ka sa mga bagay bagay. You know i’ve been giving my best this past few days. Mahirap pero pinipilit kong maging matatag. Lumulugar ako sa mga lugar na kailangan kong paglugaran. Ginagawa ko yung gusto nila para wala nalang gulo. I even know i’m not the best mom, daughter, sister or even a friend. Pero ginagawa ko yung best ko. To be a better person pero parang hindi pa rin sapat. Paano ba? May course ba para matuto maging better person? Sa mundong to maraming mangengeelam. How you’re not on their pace. How you’re not being like the other 26 year olds out there who are successful, wealthy, career woman, eager. Kasalanan ko ba kung wala akong pangarap sa buhay? Kasalanan ko ba kung hinahanap ko pa yung paglulugaran ko? Kailangan ba talaga sumabay ako sa agos ng iba? Hindi ba pwede gumawa ako ng sarili kong agos. I’m stuck. I turned 26 yesterday. I can honestly say i’m not happy. Sabi ko nga baka ganun naman talaga pag tumatanda. Hindi masyadong big deal ang birthdays. Looking back im also having the worst year i ever had. Losing friends, meeting a fucked up boss with a very very bad attitude. You know when started working at rc i was happy, proud. I’m doing something great, something good but as time goes by and i see how things works sa rc it felt wrong. I don’t belong here. Feeling ko hindi ito yung dapat na ginagawa ko. Yeah maybe you can say “just resign” or “leave of you’re not happy anymore” kaso i can’t. I have responsibilities. Loans, debts, a family to support, a baby to take care of. Simply put, i need money to survive. Ito na siguro yun. The worst part of my life. This part where i need to reflect, look back and think of the things that i did wrong and make it better. I just felt stuck. I don’t know what to do. Sana lang din i can think of something fo me to move forward. And sana soon i can say that i’m not stuck anymore.
|
